


I Hope You Found Peace

by wildekinder



Series: I Wish It Was That Simple [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Takes place after Connor’s death, This hurt me more than I meant it to
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 08:27:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17260898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildekinder/pseuds/wildekinder
Summary: “Hey, Con. It’s Zoe. I mean, you already know that. But, it’s me. Your baby sister. Remember how you always used to call me that and I-I’d just get so mad because you were barely a year older than me.”





	I Hope You Found Peace

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place in the canon universe, after Evan tells the truth and before Zoe meet up with him.

Zoe wasn’t exactly sure why she had come here. She hadn’t been here, since, well, since the day Connor was buried. But she just wanted to feel close to him again. She wanted to feel as close to him as she did before Evan told her family it was all a lie. She  _ missed _ him, which was weird. She had yet to miss Connor, even when she believed him and Evan were friends.   
  
She took a seat beside his gravestone, looking down as she gathered her thoughts.   
  
“Hey, Con. It’s Zoe. I mean, you already know that. But, it’s me. Your baby sister. Remember how you always used to call me that and I-I’d just get so mad because you were barely a year older than me.”   
  
She laughed as she thought of the memories, letting her shoulders fall as she remembered where she was and why she was there.   
  
“I guess-I guess I just stopped by because I miss you. Which is stupid, right? I didn’t even know you. I didn’t even talk to you enough to know that you were drowning. You were drowning and you needed help and nobody helped you. And then Evan went and exploited your death and made me feel like maybe you did care about me. That you weren’t this monster I remembered. He made me feel shitty for being a bad sister. And, I guess I was a bad sister, and you were a bad brother, and we have bad parents. This family’s just bad. But I just can’t help thinking that-“   
  
She stopped for a minute, steadying her breathing before continuing, “That maybe this didn’t all have to happen. That maybe if you and Evan had met a year earlier, you guys would’ve been such good friends. Evan’s so sweet and he would’ve been good for you, and you would’ve been good for him. At least, that’s what I  _ thought _ , before I knew the truth.”   
  
Zoe let a few tears roll down her cheeks and furiously wiped them away, trying to act strong. But she was a mess, and she had been since Evan told the truth. She hadn’t gone to school in nearly three weeks. She really only did the bare necessities to keep herself alive. Not because she didn’t want to be alive, she did, she really did. She could see what death does to a family. But, that didn’t take away from the fact that she no longer felt like she had a reason to be alive. She felt an overwhelming  _ empty _ in her life, and she didn’t know how to make it better.   
  
“Do you remember when we were in elementary school? You were in third grade, I was in second? Of course you don’t, you’re dead.”   
  
The words lingered on her tongue for a few moments, like some sort of cruel twisted joke she wished she hadn’t said.   
  
“But I will always remember. Julie Martin kept picking on me for drawing on my jeans. I was out on the playground one day after school doodling when she came over and made me cry. You came over and took me away from her, and you told me jokes until I smiled. And then, the next day, Julie found earthworms in her backpack. Nobody ever found out who did it, but I knew. I knew my big brother would protect me from getting hurt, forever.”   
  
More tears fell down her cheeks and she didn’t even bother to wipe them.   
  
“And you always held up to it. Even in high school, when you hated me. A guy would try to flirt, make me uncomfortable or anything, the next day he’d come in with a black eye, or a slight limp, or an apology, or the general need to stay as far away from me as possible. You always protected me. Except this time. Not from Evan.”   
  
She was wheezing now, barely able to catch her breath.   
  
“I hate you Connor, I hate you.”   
  
She stood up slowly, her legs shaking as she looked down at his gravestone.   
  
_ Such a great son and wonderful friend. _ __  
  
“But, I love you. I hope you found peace.”   
  
Zoe wouldn’t say she left the graveyard happy, or even  __ satisfied . But she left feeling different, and if that was the best she could do, she’d take it.

**Author's Note:**

> i’m sorry if it makes you feel better this hurt me a lot too


End file.
